Meditations of an African Woman

I can see more clearly today than in the past, that the darkest times in my life, the times most filled with pain, confusion, frustration and the real desire to give up were the times when I depended upon myself or other people for the progress or results I was looking for.

I’ve been back at university since early January, 8/9 months away from graduating, and until two days ago I was not able to look at a book, or write one word relating to my degree.

BLANK

Just nothing. Give me weed, cigarettes, alcohol, a camera … ANY distraction that is NOT related to academic work.

No date, appointment, or schedule stuck in my head. The business school lecturers and staff have been nothing short of supportive and patient, but I pulled a final trick this Wednesday when I turned up on the last presentation slide for a talk to the business school being given by a very illustrious Chairman and English gent – who also happens to be my business mentor – and who I was also supposed to be introducing.

… Yeah. I got a written warning after that one.

The counsellor I’m seeing once a week figures it’s a part of my grieving, my feelings of guilt, and my “all or nothingness”. It took 30mins into an hour long session for her to figure out that I have no middle ground, my thermostat goes hot and cold, and that’s it. (Ha! My sister’s been telling me that one for free for years.) My response to her, “Well, couldja fix it? Not to rush you or anything but we’re coming to the end of the first term, and I don’t exactly have time to be ‘blocked’ right now.” She gave me a slightly puzzled, amused look and set me my weekly task.

This week, I’m supposed to contemplate whether The Block (as it is now known) is being induced by my fear of succeeding … perhaps as much as it is being induced by my fear of failing. Chew on that one folks.

So my degree means a lot to me. If you’ve read my blogs you’ll know this is meant to be third time lucky. Not being one for the hoops one has to jump through in formal education, content is everything to me. And the content of this degree is on point. I’ve learnt a lot about business, about working with people and I’m also learning about reliability. My point? I want this degree. And today I did what I always do when things start to really get me down. I called my mommy.

She reminded me that our greatest battle (a spiritual one) is fought and won or lost in the mind. That there will be at least three voices in your head at any one time, and during the most testing times, usually more. The voice of God, the voice of the devil, and your own voice. The negative thoughts, which in my head go something like, “You’re all hype and no substance” “You’re a disappointment to your dad, your mom, your siblings and yourself” “You’re failing” “You will fail”, she said are from the devil. They are there to undermine your confidence and weaken your spirit. You must open your ears wide, hear those words and pray to God to silence these lies. She told me so many blessed people are led to self destruct by the negative voices in their minds, and that is the devil’s way of blocking or limiting the light God desires to put into the world. And it succeeds because we are cheated into believing we are working on our own.

But we’re not. We’re working on earth with spiritual forces. And the greatest spiritual force is God. “So call on Him to take control, Davinia”, she said. “He gave you your talents for a reason, He put you on this earth for a reason, and His plan for you is the only Truth. You can do this and everything else, because you are not working alone. Yes you can Davinia. Yes you can!” (Mom had to throw a little Obama in there (“,))

And I remembered the worst times of my short life so far, and saw that I did not come through them by my power. I did not pass my exams in December, in the middle of my dad’s funeral by my power, and I will not be completing this degree or any other accomplishment by my power. I am God’s child. This life of mine is His. My burdens are His and my victories are His.

So today, I am able to step back – considerably less foggy than yesterday – and say, “Jesus take the wheel … this is your party.”

And I’ll be damned if I don’t feel a twinge of excitement right now.

As for my counselling task, she was right. I have for a long time suffered from a fear of succeeding and an almost equal fear of failing. I have experienced both failure and success, repeatedly, and I can definitely state in no uncertain terms that I much prefer the taste of success. I also enjoy the learning and uplifting process of success much more than the crushing and depressing process of failure. And that’s where that third voice comes in, our own voice in our minds. It is the Free Will that God gave man, the power of choice. Our choices navigate our life’s journey. And at any moment, we can stop making choices that are leading us along a journey we no longer wish to travel.

So I’m making a firm choice today, and you, dear readers, are my witnesses:

I CHOOSE SUCCESS.

It isn’t going to be easy, but failing is even harder. I choose small steps, tiny bites, and patience with life and myself. I choose genuine, humbling effort, and I choose to make the most of each day.

Whatever your belief system is, I ask you to join me in a group prayer in your own words or borrowing mine …

Dear God. We thank You for Your love, Your blessings and Your mercy. We thank You for Your forgiveness, as we Your children are but sinners. Yet we come to You time and time again, and You renew us, You replenish us and send us back out into the world to do better, to live better and to be better ambassadors of Your Loving Kindness. Heavenly father, lend us Your strength, give us Your wisdom, and grace us with Your peace. Bless our families and friends for the care they take of us. And bless our enemies (and our haters) that they find Your light inside of them, and therefore their own happiness and purpose. Thank you Father.

Amen.

Thanks for reading.