Meditations of an African Woman

Are you an ‘Independent Woman’? Destiny’s Child interpretation of the label, that is. Are you, “Handling your business and don’t need no man”? Do you, “use men for sex”? Do you think, “Men are open wallets”? Lastly, are you still wondering, “When will men just grow the hell up?”

Well I’m here with a message. If you’re a lesbian feel free to skip ahead to another post (or my Valentines Day seduction video, it was for you too!), but for ladies interested in dating and one day marrying a man, do please read on.

I have spent the last two or so years deliberately befriending good strong men, studying them, learning from them, and asking questions about why, in their opinion, I have not enjoyed the sort of romantic relationships with men that I desired. Those of you with brothers or good male friends may already know most of the information I am about to share. Men have a ‘Code’, and they will not reveal the truth about how they view, rate and select women unless you endear yourself to them, or they are uniquely committed to leading women in the right direction (and courageous!), or it’s their job and they’re good at it (relationship experts). This is largely because of the vicious response the women who need to hear it most are generally inclined to give. So I am sharing it with you, as a fellow woman and sister, and hope you are patient and open enough to give this information good consideration.

Reports reveal that 80% of black women over the age of 30 in the United States are still single – not by choice. And this is not just a black or States-side problem. We can look at the world around us and easily count a large number of beautiful, eligible, and still single women from all races. Tyra Banks is just one of a few public figures who openly discusses her difficulty in dating and settling down with a good man. Those of us who are single and desire not to be will be familiar with the feelings of frustration and despair this situation brings.

Perhaps born out of this frustration is some very elaborate finger pointing at the many failures of men that is supposedly the root cause of this Single Female Epidemic. But every time we point a finger at someone there are four pointing back at us – in other words, I am not saying men are faultless – however I want us girls to examine those four fingers today.


FINGER NUMBER ONE

Any female who listens to and absorbs popular music these days needs to be mindful to separate entertainment from reality. Beyonce, the entertainment queen that she is, is NOT who you should turn to for relationship advice. The lyrics of almost every song she has released (big hits amongst women) recommend fickle interactions with men largely based on sex, sending men you’ve bought with ‘your ends’ “to the left, to the left” to be replaced by a man of equally low eligibility, and it rhymes, and it all sounds so fabulous and easy. You best believe that Beyonce does not follow the relationship advice she dishes out in these hits. And neither should you. Or you will become what my Nigerian people refer to as an “Ashawo” (pronounced ah-sha-woh, meaning ‘slut’), and a stupid one at that because you essentially pay men to use you for sex.

One of the biggest mistakes women make is asking other women for relationship advice (including most of the female writers at Cosmopolitan). Unless she is happily married (and likes you), nine times out of ten, you are not likely to gain anything helpful out of this endeavour. Any female friend who gives you advice that sounds like this, “Men are dogs, let him go”, “There are lots more where he came from”, or even, “Hold on to him, there are no men out here” is not helping you. Run and look for the closest male friend you have and seek his advice. Warning: If that male friend is interested in you, he’s no good either. In which case, log on to www.gurltalkktv.com and drink relationship wisdom until your thirst is quenched.


FINGER NUMBER TWO

Women find it hard to distinguish good men from bad men. We confuse good looks, charm, career achievement, popularity, money – basically ‘swagger’ – with decency and goodness. Once you get past the age of 16, you really need to be able to tell the difference. A good man calls you when he says he will. He is genuinely interested in what you are doing with your life and will support your efforts, not antagonise them. He respects you in private and in public, whether his friends are there or not. He may not be able to afford really nice things, but he will take care of you when you need it, he will treat you to thoughtful little gifts and gestures that show he’s been paying attention, he will be nice to you. This does not make him a punk, or your lap dog. It makes him a good man. It makes him the kind of man you hope your future daughter will marry, and the kind of man you hope your future son might grow into. It makes him the kind of man you should feel grateful to have interested in you, and to have in your life.

When you turn your attention away from men like this, for idiotic reasons like, “He’s too short”, “He’s not as attractive as Sally’s guy”, “He’s not paid enough” etc, you need to remember that your shelf life has a limit. And as you get older, younger, smarter girls are coming behind you to settle with whom you felt too good for. Moreover, that disingenuous attitude (and karma) just might stand in your way when you do find a man you consider to be ‘good enough’ for you.

Don’t get me wrong, it is your duty as a woman, to ensure you choose to date men who have the ability to meet your needs (not your wants, unless you are prepared to do what you need to do and accept what you need to accept for the privilege). But understand that every quality is also a liability. By all means, seek a man with ambition, but understand that his work will most likely come before you. Seek a Brad Pitt lookalike, but understand that he will most likely cheat on you when times are hard in your relationship or in his life (and quite possibly with your sister). Want that overly dominant alpha male? Then understand that you will most likely have to be really, really submissive (in any way he might need, including in the bedroom) to keep him, and keep him happy.

As much as you have standards and expectations ladies, so do the men who make up your desired target market. You better be what they want too or you will be barking up the wrong tree, and it’s slim pickings after a certain age. Are you really as hot looking as you think? Are you Ivy League educated, from a prestigious family? Are you kind, generous and an acrobat in the bedroom? Rate yourself realistically, and work on what needs work to develop the same qualities in yourself as you desire in a man. Or a couple more years of crawling into bed with a good book and Marvin Gaye on iTunes, stretch lengthily ahead of you.


FINGER NUMBER THREE

At some point during women’s liberation, the feminist movement and modern times, men and women apparently forgot their respective gender roles. Masculinity became denounced as primitive, and femininity as weakness. Ladies, men haven’t changed that much because of this external pressure. They’ve only changed the type of women they take seriously in a relationship context. Think for a minute of all the friends you have who are married, or just look at the married women around you. Did they end up with husbands because of their dominance, aggressiveness, progressive careers, or ability to prove irrelevant points by insisting on gender role reversal within their relationships? Go on and ask them. That would be a resounding N-O. Men have been, are still, and will always remain – Men. They have egos, they are hunters, protectors, providers, and if YOU wish to be all those things, then you DON’T need a man. You need a vibrator you can use and put away in your bedside drawer when you’re finished with it (in which case let me recommend Ann Summers ‘Rampant Rabbit’ 4 speed vibrator, a steal at £39.99. Click here to purchase. And be sure to buy some rechargeable batteries too, as you’re bound to need them).

Let me inject a caveat at this point, not all men are dominant alpha males. Some are naturally more submissive. The problem is that women who consider themselves ‘dominant’ usually don’t want a submissive male. They want the alpha male, but want him altered past the point of recognition. Again, this is about managing your expectations ladies. This kind of change you do not have the power to instil or maintain, and trying, will only frustrate your romantic experiences further.

As for sexual dominance, I want you to remove the idea from your mind that it is possible for you to use a man for sex. Whatever position you do the do in, you OPEN receptively, he ENTERS and deposits (condom not withstanding). He gives and you receive. Even if you only permit him to stimulate you orally (cunninglingus), you have opened yourself to him and given the only thing you have that he really, truly values. In doubt over this? What woman has ever given a man her love, money, friendship, support etc but not her sex (or even worse, has shared her sex with other men) and maintained the man’s love and respect within the boundaries of a serious relationship i.e. marriage? You got it! … Couples in open marriages. Unless this is something you desire and can handle with a consenting partner, you will have to accept that your vagina is the most valuable thing you have to offer a man. So every time you make it available for his exploration, you are giving HIM a gift. Not the other way round.


FINGER NUMBER FOUR

Sayings such as, “Behind every successful man is a good woman”, “Women are the backbone of society” etc were not conjured out of thin air. Women do have the ability to change a man. But let us tread carefully here. DIRECTLY FROM THE VAULT OF MY PAST RELATIONSHIP EXPERIENCES: You cannot change a man who doesn’t love or want you, to make him do so. You cannot change a man from someone else’s husband into yours (he won’t leave her but he will keep sleeping with you if you let him). You cannot change a man who compulsively cheats on you (although you can make him better at hiding his sexual escapades from you). You cannot change a violent, abusive man (and should never try unless he’s your legal husband, and God and some very, very good counsellors are involved).

So what can we change, or more accurately, what do we have the power to exercise influence over in a man we’re romantically involved with? Bearing in mind that the premise to this is his own desire to be a better person, a woman has the ability to make her man more responsible in his working life (or with his education); to make him party less, smoke or drink less, and/or give up drugs; to make him kinder and more romantic towards her; to make him desire the comfort and security of marriage; and to make him grow closer to God (with all the goodness that comes along with that). In other words, she has the ability to influence him to grow into a stronger, softer, more mature man.

The magic wand, dear sisters, is our own virtue, the standards we maintain, and the quality of our own lives. By being patient, kind, loving, forgiving, mature, spiritual/religious/ethical, and responsible with our working lives, our friends and family members, and with the man that we love, we earn the right to hold him to those same standards. Whether he has always been an immature dog, is going through a phase, or has just never seen a good enough reason to grow up, a woman has the power to change that. So you see ladies, if your man is a dog, you should view that in part as a personal failure on your side. Either for not being wise enough to identify a good man in the first place, or for not being mature enough to work the raw material you have into something more desirable. If nothing else, this at least gives you a feeling of control over your relationships, rather than playing the role of victim.

I am not a happily married female, yet. I am still learning the lessons I’ve shared with you in this post, and decided to make 2009 my year of celibacy to take a hiatus from men, to work on certain elements of my personal development. So I can become a better type of woman, for myself, and ultimately for the type of man I would wish to settle with. It’s all about claiming personal responsibility for what you want out of life.

That’s the secret to becoming the architect of one’s destiny.



Please feel free to share by posting to your walls, bookmarking, emailing to friends, and don’t forget to subscribe via RSS (“,)

Thanks for reading.