Meditations of an African Woman

No it’s not a question. It’s a statement. And a statement you need to pay close attention to. Both men and women.

MEN DO NOT FIND IT EASY TO RESPECT WOMEN

Whatever the history that led to the current reality, we now live in times when the media bombards us with images of easy, unintelligent women; times when women themselves act in a way that undermines their value, and men are walking around day and night absorbing these messages.

Most men understand intellectually that not all women fall into the negative stereotype (or “chicken head” category), but they expect “good girls” to be few and far in between. If you’re in the business of selling, you’ll know that people these days begin with an incredulous and disbelieving mindset. So when men meet YOU, who considers herself a “good girl” they will not, for the most part, accept that at face value. And over the duration that they interact with you, they will lean towards believing the actions and statements you make that permits them to put you in the category of “chicken head”. In other words, it is very hard to gain the respect of a man, and relatively easy to lose it.

Some of us may be wondering, “Why should I care about this? It’s their loss if they get it wrong.” Yes, it is their loss ladies, but it’s ours as well. Who wants to be pigeonholed as stupid or easy? And who wants to miss an opportunity because of such a label?

In the time that I’ve spent interacting with males, I’ve learnt a lot. It is true that you are much simpler than women (for the most part). It is true that you have massive, delicate egos. It is true that you have emotions but do not enjoy expressing them (for the most part). It is true that your first concern when you meet a woman is to sleep with her (for the most part). It is also true that you can be quite dumb.

Guys, if a female that is around you acts a mess, PLEASE understand this: You can take advantage of her weakness and problems and have a good laugh at her expense, like a little boy. Or you can man up and be that strong, kind, gentleman who aims to remind her of her worth.

Similarly, you can resist the urge to lump all women in the same underdeveloped basket. Yes, I understand that there is a scarcity of men in the world. And you black brothers (in particular) are all too well aware of this. I would like to suggest to you that this issue is bigger than your egos, and may be about choosing to love the expression of God (said female) that destiny chose to introduce into your path. KILL the arrogance, please. It is so small, and you are so big.

Sisters, I make a point of correcting men when any of us are called sluts, whores or bitches. I point out that a promiscuous woman is not a slut, whore or bitch, but a woman with problems, or at a certain stage of her personal development. I talk to them about brotherly compassion towards us and withholding judgement. But ladies PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE … let us try to keep our legs shut. Let us try, even harder, to keep our mouths to ourselves, away from their mouths and their penises. Let us try harder to maintain the same standards we expect of them. And PLEASE, LET US STOP INSULTING EACH OTHER IN THEIR PRESENCE.

These actions merely serve to build up into a perception of women that is parallel to how the West perceives Africa: Badly managed, intellectually weak, easy to cheat, manipulate and exploit, sexually peverse and diseased … yet, so full of potential to be Great.

Each and every one of us is on the same life journey and our struggles are common. Wouldn’t it be so much more enjoyable a journey if we shared understanding and goodwill rather than distrust and vaguely cloaked mutually sabotaging efforts? I, for one am sick and tired of the assumptions made about my person, and having self reflected I see there are things I need to change in my behaviour and character to avoid these presumptions. I own that. I am asking that we individually and communally own the situation and responsibility to improve it. Because quite frankly?

It sucks diseased chimpanzee balls.